Lord Cholmondeley's

Bad show, old bean. Mummy would be horrified if I associated with the riffraff who live near Thurrock. Why don't you look at moving to a better neighbourhood in Essex, such as North Ockendon or Mal Dyke? My chum Giles used to rent a cottage just down the road from Mal Dyke. I'll ask him to see if it's vacant. A bit of friendly advice, old chap. Open a trust fund and look at moving to a more desirable neighbourhood. You'll get more respect by living in a posh neighbourhood, what ho.

Wasn't it frightful that you had to attend William Edwards School rather than a good old proper grammar. Perhaps you can move to within a catchment area of a higher class school in the near future to get a superior education for your children. Ofsted has rated some schools in Thurrock as 'Outstanding'. Hopefully your children will be better educated than you are. I do hope they don't drop out at fifteen years old to pursue a career at McDonalds, what ho.

I say, what a frightful inconvenience living in Thurrock. What a beastly area. Jeeves had to drive the Bentley through a red light just to avoid stopping in such a deprived area. Poor chap. All those council houses certainly bring out the worst in people, wouldn't you say?

Jolly sad to hear you need to head down to the pawn brokers in North Ockendon to afford your family holiday at Butlins this year. My housekeeper has told me that there is a vacancy in my kitchen staff. Do let me know if you're interested, old chap. We would be delighted to offer you a minimum wage. Just don't steal the family silver. It's been handed down for centuries and it's worth a small fortune. If you want to discuss, then meet me at Belhus Park Golf Club in South Ockendon sometime soon. Just don't talk to the other members, in case they think we're chums.

Must tootle orf now, old chap. Pip pip.

Oh, before I shoot off and get squiffy with my chums at the country club, if you are curious to find out more about your neighbourhood, then grab yourself a copy of a ZoomLocal Neighbourhood Report. Those clever chaps can give you a proper report that reveals everything you need to know about your neighbourhood. Chop chop.

P.s. Don't forget to share your score with others to tell them all about Lord Cholmondeley's How Posh are You?