Lord Cholmondeley's

Bad show, old bean. Mummy would be horrified if I associated with the riffraff who live near Wokingham. Why don't you look at moving to a better neighbourhood in Berkshire, such as Winnersh or Merryhill Green? My chum Giles used to rent a cottage just down the road from Merryhill Green. I'll ask him to see if it's vacant. A bit of friendly advice, old chap. Open a trust fund and look at moving to a more desirable neighbourhood. You'll get more respect by living in a posh neighbourhood, what ho.

It's marvellous that you have a slightly better education than some of the oiks I've come across. What a spiffing time you must have had at The Holt School in Wokingham. But come on, my good man. Stop dressing your children in Tesco school uniform. You'll never reach the dizzy heights of middle class if you dress your offspring with cheap clothes.

I can imagine that you're positively itching to get away from the riffraff in your neighbourhood, so why not stop by for high tea this Saturday and leave your 3-bedroom semi in Wokingham for the day? You'll simply adore our country mansion. I'll get our butler Jeeves to greet you at the gates and drive you to the entrance. Ask him to stop when you pass the ponies. You can help Arabella groom them, if you so wish. Don't forget to wipe your grubby boots before you come in.

Jolly sad to hear you need to head down to the pawn brokers in Winnersh to afford your family holiday at Butlins this year. My housekeeper has told me that there is a vacancy in my kitchen staff. Do let me know if you're interested, old chap. We would be delighted to offer you a minimum wage. Just don't steal the family silver. It's been handed down for centuries and it's worth a small fortune. If you want to discuss, then meet me at Bearwood Lakes Golf Club in Wokingham sometime soon. Just don't talk to the other members, in case they think we're chums.

By jove, hasn't this been fun. Cheerio for now.

Oh, before I shoot off and get squiffy with my chums at the country club, if you are curious to find out more about your neighbourhood, then grab yourself a copy of a ZoomLocal Neighbourhood Report. Those clever chaps can give you a proper report that reveals everything you need to know about your neighbourhood. Chop chop.

P.s. Don't forget to share your score with others to tell them all about Lord Cholmondeley's How Posh are You?